Tip 4: Don't show your life as it really is

I always play down my life, and present it as miserable.

'Oh it's always raining here (where we live, outside the UK) so I have to dry my enormous pants in front of the fire - and if it gets really cold and damp, then I light the fire.'

'Oh I have to make my own loo paper and don't get me started on fanny pads; luckily my garden is full of nettles so I can weave these into clothing just for us to survive.'

I never, ever  tell the readers of my blog the full truth about my life.

Well, it wouldn't do my reputation as a MISERLY QUEEN any good to show that I might, just, be living normally with plenty of dosh - would it?

We actually live in a four-bedroom house that was architect-designed in an acre of landscaped ground with views over a lake (outside the UK, it's important that I tell you that lots) paid for out of a huge inheritance.

I describe it as a cold, damp hovel in a tatty, muddy field full of shite and twigs.

I describe us having to count every penny.

I only do this (gasp) for the sole purpose of becoming as famous as I can.  If that idiot Malcolm Lewis can do it, so can I.  Did you see what he earned last financial year?  Hah - some expert he is!  Mick and I brought in.. oh err.. where was I? 

I describe us having to live on one wage, below the national average.

We actually live really well and I only have to work a few hours online a week to top up the income we get from the UK - we get a bloody good income for doing bugger all, and the rent we get for the houses we rent out.  Oops!

It's really trendy to talk about living miserly, eating dust and shivering in the cold.

It's far better to cover things up to get more readers - more readers = more cash!